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Picture this, its your first date, your nervous, he's nervous, you're both wondering what to talk about to gain some common ground...Nervously, he asks you how the weather's been, and if you've been keeping busy...you give him one word reply...As you start to talk, you get a little more comfortable, telling him little tidbits of information regarding your life, your past, your interests...One thing you don't need to start talking about is , your ex. Men are not particularly interested in how well your ex husband or ex boyfriend used to treat you before things hit the fan, he is not interested to know, that the sex was always good, when there was any, he is most likely not interested in knowing how your ex knew all the things that made you happy, or did all the things he knew would make you sad. That man, sitting across from you at the table, trying to get to know you better, is probably trying to put his best foot forward, and wear his heart out on his sleeve, don't ruin the date by bringing up someone who isn't even a factor, and if your ex is still a factor, you really shouldn't be at the table at all.
This is the biggest mistake that everyone Male or female makes. Why you ask? Well, because people think oh give it a week they will Miss me. That is the dumbest theory ever. Did you ever miss someone who completely Closed the door on you. Maybe you have but it's not the correct use of feelings. You were probably feeling lonely and missing the comfort Of a significant other. Cutting of contact only works if you never want to see that person again. They will not miss you if you stop answer their calls they will start to resent you and build walls so you can't hurt them anymore.
By Imj1mdej, Pennsylvania, United States
It seems like the end of the world once your divorce has been finalized. In essence, it is the end of your identity as a "married" person...no longer a husband or wife. The shift in how you and others see yourself changes and with every life change, you go through growing pains. You will adjust. Keep transforming your life. Try new activities and keep yourself busy. Let the past go as difficult as it may seem and live in the present. Bring enjoyment to your life.
By chinarose8, Houston, TX, United States
As time goes on and we all have relationships that we categorize as a "failure" or hurtful and otherwise damaging. There is a positive viewpoint and henceforth method which allows the mind to heal faster... thereby allowing your next attempt at a loving relationship a higher percentage to succeed. Would you agree that a simple classification or definition can transform the mental thought processes into a negative one or a positive one... repeat the following out loud 6 times: I feel real bad. (say it with the emotional despair and angry feelings associated with it) Note how your posture, brain and overall demeanor feels. Next repeat out loud 6 times: I feel fantastic! (say it with the same deep emotions but with an upbeat proud one) Note again how you feel. Feel the power to change your attitude???!!! Empower yourself!
You are the director of your mind and thusly your heart. The ol song... "free your mind and the rest will follow" is a good'n.
Next step. Which would you rather chose of the following 1 or 2:
1. The importance in disclaiming the other (ex) just to justify feeling right or better about how they made us feel bad or hurt us with whatever they did or did not do?? Re-read that statement please...
Acknowledging or giving credibility to empowering someone else to control and otherwise effect your life regardless of what it is... is a continuous and perpetual madness which takes an enormous amount of time to crawl out of! The true believe that anyone has the power to make you feel a certain way is false. Isn't it more in the realms that we allow them to? I believe the later is the true answer wouldn't you agree? (granted the exceptions of actual physical harm or immense financial devastation)
2. The importance to preserve your own happiness and such and! So those around you can truly benefit from being with a truly loving emotionally available person? So my thoughts of assisting you to is to give the next person a chance without the defensive stance you... (remember you are the director of your life out of your eyes and subsequently your mind!) I repeat... You put yourselves in and ultimately through by cognitive actions to remain defensive. More importantly though is giving yourself a rightful and deserving "better" chance at loving again by starting right now to forgive others and put aside self blame by accepting that which we are condoned with and move on... Simply by reclassifying such thoughts. Let the next one know the real thoughtful you by changing your mind to change your life and show the true loving person that we all are designed to be and have the potential to become! Start right now! Unless you are the next one to save the world and cure that which they say is incurable... It is the only alternative don't you think? Faith, Hope and Love will win...
By REDROSES4U, Florida, United States
My favorite quote: Heal the past... Live the present... Dream the future...
It's OK to hurt, and it's certainly OK to cry, there is a time for grieving but you must eventually exit the clouds and enjoy the sunshine on your face again! Bitterness and unforgiveness are very dangerous emotions that enslave many. That being said, before you begin dating again be sure that you can totally move past your pain to be able to fully enjoy the beauty and magic of living in the now. This is only way you will free yourself to be able to build positive new memories with your brand new friend!
By AbsolutelyLove, GA, United States<& ask_april_common, %ARGS &>
Sometimes when a partner dies, or there is a breakup, it is so painful. It is better to be cautious and heal the wounds first, before getting into another relationship. It will be very hard to focus on a new relationship, if you are still trying to deal with the past. There is always a future by letting the past go and focusing on your bright future. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Hold on, never give up or give in!
By aishaliz, Southern Finland, Finland
I have recently been dating some women who have recently been divorced. I find that often times they talk about the ex as a way of justifying now being single. One of the things that I have done that seemed to end that was that whenever she went to talk about the Ex, I made a rule. For every minute she talked about him, she had to talk about her kids instead. She would smile and switch the topic. I know that a lot of the wounds are still very fresh, but as a guy I don't want to hear about the guy who was a douche. In a lot of ways I feel like it makes me look better though!
By corichie, Colorado, United States
As we start dating after a the breakup of a serious relationship or marriage we can often set ourselves up for failure. Avoid the letdown of post breakup dating by staying real. A date, with anyone you are just getting to know is just that a date don't set expectations for who the person is, how they will act, or what will happen. Just enjoy the moment and be yourself. If they don't like who you are, they are going to discover who you are eventually. Isn't it better to start out by being yourself and just having a good time. You will make friends, enjoy yourself, and who knows, you might even find a friend that becomes something much more.
By BeachLady2010, Satellite Beach, FL, United States
Okay well, its all happened to us before. A breakup that we saw a mile away and could have stopped it but didn't know when it was going to happen. well when you see the signs.(no I'm not talking about the we need to talk, that line is so played out they have bigger better and more slick lines) avoid you house on Fridays mostly at night. break ups tend to be either public well familiar places where they can easily just leave with no worry of you, or your home in which after breaking up they just leave not needing to sit and argue or get you of of their house, they just leave. also most break ups happen on Wednesday and Friday, Friday so they have the weekend. Wednesday because, though its not, feels like it comes from left field. so honestly try to work it out but if push comes to shove do the breakup don't get broken.
By victorjohn, Augusta, Georgia, United States
Everyone knows its hard to break up with an ex and totally forget about them, here are a few tips to get you moving on up....
1. Delete their number, once its gone, you wont make the mistake of 'calling to see how they are doing' or even worse 'begging them to reconsider and get back together'.
2. Realize that more likely than not, you broke up for a reason, and believe me that reason was good enough for you to decide you don't want to see this person ever again!
3. The nights may be lonely, but remember crying because your bed is empty is a definite step up from crying because your cheating partner shared it with his secretary.... or any other variation.
4. Change something in your life, it doesn't have to be big, it can range from a haircut, or taking up a new hobby.... the latter may give you an opportunity to meet new people. This little change will remind you that you are in the driving seat, you are in control of your life!
5. Make it a priority to see more of your friends and family, they've probably missed a lot of time with you.
6. Go out with the girls, there is a reason cosmopolitans were invented, have fun and wear that dress your boyfriend really didn't like!
7. Go out, meet the guys, bitch about her, realize that maybe you didn't have everything in common, so check out millionairematch, and find someone who loves rock climbing as much as you.
Girls and guys listen closely....It is ok to be friends with your exs so long as they know and you've made it clear that's all it'll ever be. Too many times in a realationship the ex's end up posing a threat towards the current realationship. As long as you are ok with it and your current partner is ok with it then proceed to be friends. Just always be sure to not discuss your personal love life with him or her. It's like leaving a doorway open for them to be decieving.
By loveN4lynn23, Galena, Ohio, United State
When someone leaves you, you feel betrayed, unappreciated, sad, alone and angry. You feel hurt.
What most people don't realize is that they actually feel so bad and so hurt, not because someone left them, but because of their own reaction to what has happened. It is their inability to cope with the situation which brings down their self esteem and hurts them and not the actual breakup or betrayal by another person (which may not have been a betrayal at all, sincerely... we cannot make ourselves love someone by force).
Anger is not what we are made of. When we feel angry, we are out of our comfort zone and secretly start disliking ourselves adding to fear and uncertainty about our own being. This is why the best way to cope when someone leaves you is to be kind and compassionate and not fight yourself or let yourself down (by being someone who you are not an angry person). Acceptance, kindness and compassion is the first step to any type of healing process. They will always remind you about who you really are and how much you deserve to be appreciated by someone who is able to see the amazing person inside you.
By Serendipity314, New York, United States
Breakups can be very difficult and frustrating to deal with; every individual has their own way of reacting to breakups more when there are child/children in the marriage. These few tips will help you get through it.
1) Never regret your actions or reason for breakup, if a relationship or marriage isn't healthy for you then your best bet is to let go and never look back.
2) Chanel your heartache into doing something productive, which means when you're about to start thinking or beating yourself over the failed marriage or relationship, engage yourself in doing something that will bring you satisfaction either within your home or outside, might be taking your kids out for a walk or staying at home and doing some cleaning just to get yourself busy putting full attention to what you're doing. It will get your mind off the stress at that moment.
3) Relax, it's not the end of the world, when you know you're not the only one in the world faced with such situation, it gives a feeling of ease at least knowing you tried your best in the failed marriage or relationship.
4) Never rush into another Marriage or relationship, rather surround yourself with positive friends/family that's will help get over the breakup easily.
5) Never look back on your decision to break up because you already have Child/children in the marriage/relationship. Your best bet is to leave because it's as bad and unhealthy for the child/children as it is for you.
6) Don't be scared to move on, as much as there are lots of failed Marriages/relationship doesn't say there isn't a very good relationship/marriages out there. Try again, don't shut your heart, it's dangerous if you do that as you'll see the next person in your life as same failure.
7) Talk over your decisions with your child/children if you have about your decisions, won't be that easy but no child would support their parents to be together and be unhappy and frustrated for the rest of their lives.
8) Seek counseling if need be, it's good to share your problems to a counselor has saying a problem shared is half solved.
9) Be happy, live and love again. Life is beautiful.
Make an effort to meet new people and focus on yourself and your own life without him/her. You will eventually stop wondering what he/she is doing. Staying active and exercising will give you a positive endorphin rush and can put you into more social circumstances. You'll be taking care of your body which is good for your health and self esteem. Remember to stay strong and stay focused on your goal!
By SanDiegoBabe, California, United States
While it's important to make it clear that you are single and that you are "OVER" your last relationship, it's natural for an interested party to wonder and question about you ex and the last serious relationship you had.
Assuming the question is about a fairly serious relationship, what I do, is create a time line that indicates it's been enough time that I'm over it and ready to move on to another relationship. I might say, "We split up about 6 months ago, we were together for about 9 months, it didn't work out. Someone once gave me great advice; it takes at least four seasons to get to know someone. I don't think there is enough room in this relationship for 3 people, and right know I'd like to focus on getting to know you."
Typically the other person will be flattered, and agree to move on, however if they remain curious, that simply means they are really interested. Most people will be, but will refrain will be respectful and refrain from additional question until a later date. If they bring up the subject again, suggest that you will happily discuss this on another date, but right now you are enjoying getting to know them.
By Luv2kissU, Florida, United States
Breakups are not only painful and hard on you but it is also painful and hard on your ex as well.
I find it best after a breakup to always have company around. By having a group of friends or even a single friend can help you by keeping your mind off your breakup and your ex. Going out with friends will keep your mind from wondering off and start thinking about your painful breakup or ex. Friends can be a major benefactor to have around after a breakup. I find its always easier to get my mind off of a breakup or my ex when talking with friends and talking about off topic subjects. Friends are there for you to help you through hard and rough times. A good friend will get your mind out of the gutter and talk to you about positive things such as the brighter sides of life, or he/she might talk to you about day to day events that have happened. By having friends around it will definitely help you get your mind off of your breakup and your ex.
So what do you do when you don't have any friends around? Say its the middle of the night and you cannot sleep because your mind is wondering and you cant stop thinking about your breakup or your ex, then what?
How about poping in a movie in the dvd player or if you have a collection of your favorite tv series watch them till your mind is absolutely focused in on the excitement of your favorite shows. I find it helpful to always keep your mind occupied whether its from having friends around to watching a movie or your favorite tv series to even exercising.
Its a proven fact that excersizing can boost your confidence not only in yourself but in the way look at yourself on a daily day by day basis. At the end of a good work out or at the end of a great run you will not only feel great and feel good and confident about yourself about you'll be in shape and you'll also be healthy. Working out is a good way to keep your mind off of a bad breakup or your ex as well. After a run or working out your body releases endorphines which is why after a work out or run you get what is called a runners high and a work out high which is why you feel so great and happy after a run or work out.
So whether its having friends around, watching a uplifting movie or your favorite tv series, or working out and staying fit and healthy. These will all benefit you in keeping your mind occupied and busy. Not only will all of these help you, but it can also pass the time because we all know that when we sit and think about our breakups and ex's that time seems to slow down.
Friends will keep your mind off of your break up and they will motivate you and make you feel good about yourself.
Movies and your favorite tv series will pass the time and keep your mind occupied long enough to finally be able to fall asleep at night or until you can meet up with friends.
Working out and going for a run will boost your confidence in yourself and keep you fit and healthy and that is always a plus for the opposite sex because lets face it. Men and women love a healthy and fit individual.
Also to pass the time and to keep your mind off of your break up and ex, there are a lot of individuals out there that like to work and do home projects to keep busy and occupied to keep their mind off of their breakup and ex. These are all good ways to keep your mind occupied until you are ready to get back out there in the dating world and start fresh.
All of these methods I have posted have helped me out and I hope that they will be able to help you out as well. Good luck to all of you and there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Stay positive and confident!
By ArmyReserveGu, Colorado, United States
If you recently ended a long-term relationship that did not go well, you may find yourself sabotaging all of your new dates. It's is very easy to find faults in your dates. It's even easier to dwell on those faults as justification for not getting too close. You may be experiencing a fear of intimacy. Learn to let go of the other person's little faults or annoyances, if only for a while. You could meet the person of your dreams, and yes, they may have slight imperfections, but if you can't see past those, you risk never knowing if they were a great match for you.
By SanDiegoBabe, San Diego, California, United States
If you find yourself in the position of dating again after a breakup, make sure you are ready to date again. One way to tell is if you never seem to get past the first date and are unsure why. Talk to a friend about your experiences, if you find yourself telling them about how you told your date about the time when you and your ex did... and then you and your ex did... well you may just not be ready to move on. Your new crush doesn't want to hear all about your ex and everything you did together. You need to be ready to make new memories. So, take some time, be single. Start a hobby that you have always wanted to take up, read that book you have been meaning to and take care of your heart. You will find yourself talking less and less about your ex and more and more about that crush you have before you know it.
By babydol, North Carolina, United States
Make sure that after the relationship that you are ready mentally and emotionally. It's not fair to drag someone and possibly their children into something just because you are lonely. If you just broke up, chances are you are not ready. So take time for yourself.
By ThomasJ197442, Missouri, United States
If you have been cheated on, most people will go back with the person because of the history. I know we all hear "but you don't know them like I do" That's true but it's never good to go back. A relationship based on mistrust won't last. You will always be thinking at the back of your mind "who is he with, what is he doing?" Worse your partner will start to question you. Bottom line to save yourself from the agony and don't go back.
By ROSSETTA86, California, United States