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Posted on Feb 26, 2014 at 01:47 PM

From "It's not Easy Being Me"  -  A Biography of Rodney Dangerfield

 I made a date to meet Alice and she asked "How will I know you" ? I answered ;I'll have a white carnation in my lapel. At our meet up spot a beautiful woman approached me and asked: Are you Rodney? I said yes I am, She replied, "I'm not Alice".

I remember before we were married, I told my wife , "Honey, I love you.Will you marry me ?" She said, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do that. "

Getting old is tough.I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy next to me.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they get to no, I made it already.

I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I'd get.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street,said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower".

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a childrens zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

My dad never liked my looks, he kept the pictures that came with the wallet.

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog so they got rid of me.

I figured out I'm bi-sexual. I have sex twice a year.

My wife is the worst cook in the world. At my house we pray after we eat.

When I was a kid, I was kidnapped. They sent a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof.

One  thing about my wife, she gives great headache.

I tell ya, in Vegas you gotta go broke. They got slot machines all over. Even in supermarkets. I bought a container of milk- cost me $238.00

My wife can't cook at all. In my backyard the flies chipped in to fix the screen door.

I know how to make a woman say yes. I ask her, "Am I bothering you"?

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything in both names, hers and her mother's.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My doctor was giving me a complete physical, so he said,"I want a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample". So I left my underwear and I went home.

You know you're getting old when your insurance company sends you half a calender.

My doctor told me he had good and bad news. I said, "Doc only tell me the good news, all right?" He said "All right, They're going to name a disease after you."

I tell ya, I think doctors get too much respect. A hooker should get more respect. She's more important than a doctor. I guarantee you, at four o'clock in the morning, drunk,I'd never walk up five flights of stairs to see a doctor.

Last week I went to a discount massage parlor - it was self serve.

My old man was dumb. He picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My wife said she wanted to do it doggie style; I sat up and begged and she rolled over and played dead.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night"? 10% for the bathroom & 90% to go home.

I asked my wife, "Last night were you faking it?" She said "No, I really was sleeping."

I walked into a bar and told the bartender,"surprise me" - he showed me naked pictures of my wife.

With my wife, I got no sex life. She cut me down to once a month. Hey, I'm lucky- two guys I know she cut off completely.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in travelers checks.

I like to date school teachers. If you do something wrong they make you do it over again.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stay out of those places.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My wife can't cook at all. I got the only dog that begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I tell ya, my wife and I , we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless and I donate money to the topless.

I told my dentist my teeth were getting yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

I live in a tough neighborhood. When I plan my budget, I allow for holdup money.

In my building nothing but robberies. Every time I close a window I hit somebody's hands.

Women my age just don't turn me on. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her "act your age." She died.

Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don't make it.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I get no respect. When I was a kid we played hide and seek. No one looked for me.

I was at a bar the other day, having a few shots and they told me to get out. They wanted to start Happy Hour.

My old man was tough. He allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst.

With my wife I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.

I tell ya, my wife is nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

       ​        ​   A winter's ride with friends to Marty's Place / left click to see.


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Posted on May 26, 2014 at 06:37 PM

Here's one a couple I like that I don't think was on your list.

 

My old man never liked me.  When I was a kid he told me to look both ways before crossing the street

Up and down.

 

I made a blind date with a girl named Alice.  We agreed where to meet and I told her I'd be wearing a white rose on my lapel.   After I waited a while a girl came up and said "Are you Rodney".  I said "Yes", and she said "I'm not Alice".


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Posted on Mar 25, 2014 at 04:06 PM

Okay my favorite is " My old man never liked me he gave me my allowance in travlers checks!

Rodney Dangerfield was the best one-liner!  Thanks for bringing back the memories.

Debbie 


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Posted on Feb 26, 2014 at 04:26 PM

Quoting speedkinger:

From "It's not Easy Being Me"  -  A Biography of Rodney Dangerfield

 

I remember before we were married, I told my wife , "Honey, I love you.Will you marry me ?" She said, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do that. "

Getting old is tough.I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy next to me.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they get to no, I made it already.

I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I'd get.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street,said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower".

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a childrens zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

My dad never liked my looks, he kept the pictures that came with the wallet.

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog so they got rid of me.

I figured out I'm bi-sexual. I have sex twice a year.

My wife is the worst cook in the world. At my house we pray after we eat.

When I was a kid, I was kidnapped. They sent a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof.

One  thing about my wife, she gives great headache.

I tell ya, in Vegas you gotta go broke. They got slot machines all over. Even in supermarkets. I bought a container of milk- cost me $238.00

My wife can't cook at all. In my backyard the flies chipped in to fix the screen door.

I know how to make a woman say yes. I ask her, "Am I bothering you"?

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything in both names, hers and her mother's.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My doctor was giving me a complete physical, so he said,"I want a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample". So I left my underwear amd I went home.

You know you're getting old when your insurance company sends you half a calender.

My doctor told me he had good and bad news. I said, "Doc only tell me the good news, all right?" He said "All right, They're going to name a disease after you."

I tell ya, I think doctors get too much respect. A hooker should get more respect. She's more important than a doctor. I guarantee you, at four o'clock in the morning, drunk,I'd never walk up five flights of stairs to see a doctor.

Last week I went to a discount massage parlor - it was self serve.

My old man was dumb. He picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My wife said she wanted to do it doggie style; I sat up and begged and she rolled over and played dead.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night"? 10% for the bathroom & 90% to go home.

I asked my wife, "Last night were you faking it?" She said "No, I really was sleeping."

I walked into a bar and told the bartender,"surprise me" - he showed me naked pictures of my wife.

With my wife, I got no sex life. She cut me down to once a month. Hey, I'm lucky- two guys I know she cut off completely.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in travelers checks.

I like to date school teachers. If you do something wrong they make you do it over again.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stay out of those places.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My wife can't cook at all. I got the only dog that begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I tell ya, my wife and I , we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless and I donate money to the topless.

I told my dentist my teeth were getting yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

I live in a tough neighborhood. When I plan my budget, I allow for holdup money.

In my building nothing but robberies. Every time I close a window I hit somebody's hands.

Women my age just don't turn me on. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her "act your age." She died.

Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don't make it.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I get no respect. When I was a kid we played hide and seek. No one looked for me.

I was at a bar the other day, having a few shots and they told me to get out. They wanted to start Happy Hour.

My old man was tough. He allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst.

With my wife I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.

I tell ya, my wife is nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

      ​        ​    A winter's ride with friends / left click to see.



Real funny Jim ,good poic of you ....Marie.

 


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